TC and Cora

So we are here in California with no family around. We were so lucky to have Oriana and Travis come for Christmas and then this weekend we have TC and Cora here because her brother Danny is getting married on Saturday in the Oakland temple. Today was really the only day we could do anything with them cause they really are here for the wedding! Well Cora lived in Southern California a long time ago and she really wanted to take the kids to the beach so off we went. It was a warm day in Hollister so we were hoping it would be warm at the beach and we were not disappointed!! It WAS Great!!!! The sand was warm and everyone had a great time. I was told to post pictures so here we are!!! They all had a fun time and we are so glad we went!!!

Thirty two years Ago today!!

Thirty two years ago the cutest, chubbiest baby was born into our family. He was already half grown at 10lbs and he had the prettiest smooth skin. Adam came to our family. He was the best little baby and a good brother to his family. He was a gentle soul and was kind to his friends at school too. So what happened to that cute little boy? What happened to my Adam. The one who would always smile and tell you" things will be ok Mom". He went on his mission and things were good and then he started to change. What does a mother do to help? He is now an alcoholic and there is little I can do. I watch him try and try to over come it, but he continues to hide and drink himself into the pain that he has to return from. So as I drive away from the hospital emergency room where I left him for them to deal with his symptoms of with drawl, I find my self in a flood of emotion. Sad I can't seem to help him, angry that he has done this yet again, helpless because its never ending, mad at myself for the feelings I feel!!! I don't know why he has this in his life. I know that he doesn't want to drink most of the time, but when he does its like clock works, he disappears to his room for about 3 days and no one sees him, then he emerges stressed because he is coming down from the alcohol and he can't handle it. Sometimes we go to the hospital and they just babysit him while he comes down, other times he is able to walk a lot, take warm baths a lot and just try to overcome what he has done to himself yet again. I have become harden to it. Its like ground hog day over and over again. I can repeat the words that he will say to me. How sorry he is and how he hates what he does to himself, how he can't continue, yet before long the whole thing starts all over again. I know the routine, its an ugly dance and I hate being apart of it, but I have no choice, he is my son and I love him. There are times when I am so angry that he has done it again. There are times when I am cold towards him, mostly to protect my inner self from falling apart and dissolving myself. I can't help me, he is the only one that can do that. I am just a spectator watching him. So sad that today he didn't even know it was his birthday til I told him. So sad that he is in the hospital coming off yet another binge of drinking and another failed attempt at staying sober. I hope this next year, Adam is a better year for you and that you can find your peace in your life so that alcohol will no long be your escape!!!!!!! Happy Birthday!

First Christmas in California

Well here we are in January and I am writing about Christmas! Better late than not at all. I have been waiting for help with posting some pictures I don't have access to so until I get it this will be picture less =( 
Christmas was great!!! We had a very uneventful Thanksgiving because it was just the 5 of us. It was nice but just a super nice Sunday dinner. Well Christmas was so much better because Oriana and Travis came and spent the week with us. It started out that on Dec 22, I get a text saying is it ok if we come earlier to your house? I say of course you can and have your birthday here with us, YES YES YES! I was so excited, it wasn't even funny. Dad and I headed to the store which is about 20 min away and had planned on getting home with plenty of time before Oriana and Travis got there, after all they were about 8 hrs away. I had Cassie make Oriana's birthday cake for the next day because she didn't know that they were coming that day, and everything was put into play. Well as we were driving home I get a text saying they were 10 min away from our house! What? How could that be? Well they had gotten up super early and headed our way. We were about the same amount of time from home and I was oh my goodness they are going to beat us home. I called her right then and come to find out they were just in front of us on the road. I had them pull over til we got there and they were able to follow us home!!! It was SOOOO cool! We had such a great time with them. We ate, played, site seeing, ate, played and just had soooo much fun!!! San Fransisco was great and going to the Redwoods first was awesome too. We just didn't have a blah moment. It was fun to have fires in the back yard and roast marshmellows, play ping pong games, play skipbo, bake treats, watch movies, watch Modern Family, and just have fun. Travis still has to come back to go into the Ocean. Nick didn't go with us to the ocean and so they didn't get each other to go in but that will come. We sat around the fire and listened to dad tell the Christmas Story. It was great. We did miss having little ones around to do the nativity. Next year we hope to have little ones around. Christmas here was great. It was 60 degrees and really, outside it didn't feel like Christmas. It was great to go to church and hear beautiful music about the birth of our Savior and to feel the love he has for us. I missed all my other kids and hope they had great days as well. We were able to talk to a few of them. It was a great day!

On another not,e that I didn't want to forget, was the blessings that come when we least expect them. I have been working part time to try and help pay for our huge electric bill which no matter what I do it still ends up being around $500. I have tried everything but we have too many electric using things in this house to bring it down much and when we do the gas for heating goes up. Oh well, I have given into the fact it will be ours for as long as we live here. Well after many months of trying to catch up on bills and making some headway, 2 of our children's cars decide to break down within a week of each other. Each one had no way to pay for it and needed it for work so we had to pay. Total was over $1100! Holy cow how was I going to pay for this. Lucky or not we had just gotten paid and so I was able to pay for the repairs but what about the bills that needed to be paid. I was saying my prayers and not more than a few minutes later my prayers were answered by an angel from above. A unexpected gift from someone who knew we needed help!! They really didn't know how much it helped and eased a huge burden and made the stress of the holidays less. We will be forever grateful for the good hearted people there are in the world. We have been blessed more than we can ever repay to those angels in our lives!!!

Well I am grateful to the New Year where I can try to be better than last year and serve more. I read an awesome book from a dear friend called " The Message" by Lance Richardson. It's a true story about his experience in the spirit world while he is in a coma. It made me really think about things a little different and made me more at peace. It also made me want to do a lot more for others and help my family do that as well. I have already felt that in moving here but now more so in everyday life. Time is short and we have a lot of work to do to change the world we live in. I am so grateful for my Family. They are my life and why I do what I do. I love them all. Happy New Year and I hope we make this a great one. Sorry this is so long but I guess I had a lot to say!!! Pictures will follow as soon as I can corner Cassie into helping me!!!

Holidays Hollister Way!!!

So there are a few cool things about living in a little town. Everyone is friendly and a lot of people know each other and are happy to know you. They also do things together and everyone comes to support each other. The town had their holiday parade, where you have floats and bands and all sorts of things. Our church had a float that had the nativity scene, with all the normal things, Mary, Joseph, baby Jesus, Wise men, shepherds and this year they even had llamas. Well since its a small town lots of people are involved or get asked to be involved. Well this year Ben got asked and to my surprise said " yes " to being one of the Wise men. The parade didn't last too long and it ended with Santa and Mrs. Claus. Our float was the only one with the real meaning of Christmas and that was cool. We also have a tree lighting ceremony and bazzares ( like the olden days where there are crafts and quilts, candies, plants etc) and even a Christmas talent night with mostly singing but some dancing! It has been great fun. I have to say its made me smile a lot more. I have been watching all the sappy Christmas shows on the  Hallmark channel cause I LOVE THEM and it's kinda reminded me of one of them. It feels like everyone is happier and smiling a little more.It feels like Christmas even though it's 60 degrees outside and the grass is green and there are still flowers blooming! We did find a tree farm where we were able to go and cut down a " California Christmas tree". Its different than the others over the years but its still cool. The house is all decorated and the feeling of Peace on Earth is here. Wish it was world wide. We are doing a walk through Bethlehem for our Ward Christmas party and I have been helping with those that will be the actors and it should be great. I love Christmas too because my Dad loved it. He was like a little kid with excitement and it was hard not to be just as excited as he was. He loved decorating the tree, and buy lots of candy so we could eat til our stomachs hurt. He just loved Christmas! I think that is one of the reasons I love it so much too.  This year we are starting a new set of traditions in Hollister, Ca, and so far it's a keeper! Here are a few pictures of our " Wise Guy" ( I mean Man! )

Thankful Heart

As Thanksgiving was getting closer and I realized that it would just be the 5 of us here in California for dinner, my heart started to ache. It was saddened that this Thanksgiving was going to be very different than any of the Thanksgivings we had had in a long time. I started (as I do when I get weepy) to think of all the many blessings that I have and it started to make me feel somewhat better. Here is where my mind went and you can come along if you like: I am so grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ! With it all the other blessings I have fall into place and make all the sense in the world. I am so grateful for my family! They are everything to me! As a young mother many years ago I felt over whelmed with all that a mother had to do and never getting to half of it. I now appreciate all that I can do now that I wasn't able to do then. ( there is a time for all things) I am grateful for my daughters/ in law daughters for their great examples of being and preparing to be great moms. I love their patience,love,patience, energy, patience, diligence in doing good things and more endless patience! They are great teachers to my precious grandchildren and I know they are going to be a great new generation. There are many gifts we are given but I love the one my daughters are giving and that is the gift of being great moms. I love my sons/ sons in laws for their devotion to their wives. They give so much to make sure their families are taken care of. I am so grateful for their hard work and devotion that they give freely, another gift that I am so grateful for!Of course it is all the little ones that make me smile the most!!! (sorry but its true). I have 13 amazing grandkids(Evelyn Rose is due in Feb) that would make any nana smile, and I do every time I think of them. I love the noise they make cause its what life is all about. They are busy talking, playing, screaming, crying but its all life and it's great! I love my kids all of them. They all bring a different element into our family and without one of them it isn't complete! I love them all for who they are and who they are becoming! They never cease to amaze me!!! I love family! I love my husband!! I love the hard work he does everyday and in serving those of our ward. He works long days and still has time to serve for more after his work day is done. He has always been that way and even though at times I am sure he would rather stay at home he does it cause thats just who he is and after 34 years he keeps getting better and better. I am thankful for my Mom! I am grateful for the time I got to really know her after all these years! I am so grateful that she moved up to Utah 8 months before I moved to California. She helped me  so much while Ben was in California. We went shopping at second hand stores, hung pictures, found bargains and just had a great time. I love her very much and am so glad for the time we had! I am thankful for my brothers and sisters. All of them have their trials and struggles and I love that they are there for me when I need them and I love them very much. I love Ben's parents and siblings too! They are all apart of what makes us a family and makes us feel whole. I am grateful for health, safety, security, and for being in a country that allows us freedom. I am grateful for trials, what doesn't kill us( which at times seems better) makes us stronger. I know at times I feel sad but when I get done with my pity party I realize that I have SO much compared to so many others. I am grateful this time of year that we pay attention to those things that are precious to us. We have been given so much and have so much to give back! I am thankful for all that I have been given !!

Not Again!!!!!

I knew at some point this topic would enter my blog just cause it has become a part of my life, not that I want it or that I really even accept it but that it is forced into my life. Having an alcoholic son is  NOT FUN! I know there are plenty that go through this and I have so much to learn and to understand but it is SO HARD! I don't know how to deal with it and I flounder around trying to get my bearings to deal with the " episodes". They are getting pretty routine now. I can tell when they are going to happen and  I do all that I can to make sure that they don't and they do anyway! How frustrating is that? I miss the son that this one has taken the place of! I still love him but there are times when I get really angry and there isn't much love in my heart. Then I feel shame and sadness that I have NO control of the situation and that ALL the talking I could possibly do will not change this situation at all. It has to come from within him and that is something only he can do. I think I have a long way to go before the thought of being a celestial parent even comes into view. I know that this will pass just like all the other times and I pray this will be the last but know it won't and I cry a million tears and then the peace will come when this passes and the waiting will begin for the next one. It's hard to see what it does to him and how out of control he is and how in control the alcohol is and how it will be until he decides he has had enough. The stress that it causes our family will pass and we will survive but will he or will the alcohol win and get him forever. It's not my choice for him because he has so much ahead of him and has so much to offer but for now its not what I want its what he has given into. Makes me angry, sad and helpless and all I can really do is pray that he will make it through another one. This is not fun and I have so much more to learn.

New Job!

So since I have been in California I have been busy with life, which includes kids, adam, home and church and whatever else I can find. I have been able to get used to the area and the kids are doing well and Adam is fine for now so I figured it was time to find a part time job to help pay for the electric bills and anything else if there was any left over. I had looked when we first got here and even applied online at Target since its just walking distance to my house. Not one word or phone call. I was sorta glad cause I needed to work but didn't really want to work. I had fun making bread, rolls, cookies and other fun treats, my house was clean and I had time to read my scriptures and life was good except that electric bill was just growing bigger and bigger. I hadn't checked on craigslist for a while so after adam had been on there looking I decided to look( this was friday!) I saw a job listing for a part time seamstress, for about 3 hrs a day and $10 an hr! I thought this would be a great fit and I could still have time to do my volunteer work at the hospital and be home for the kids and not too long away from adam! I quickly sent off and email saying a bunch of excited stuff and not really too much about my experience, so I hurriedly sent off a second email, which looking back probably looked really a little crazy. I wasn't sure what the job would be like but I was super excited and wanted it really bad. Well Sat morning I looked in my email to see if I had gotten a response and sure enough I did and I was asked where I lived and I hurried and sent off the email and within a few minutes the phone rang! I knew the number was a local one and figured it could be for the job!! I hurried and answered it and made an appt to meet on monday or tuesday! Well I meet Annette on Tuesday and started Thursday, not even a week from the day I first saw the listing and the rest is history! I love my job, the place where I work and Annette. She is a very creative person and very friendly and nice!!!( like most of the people here). I sew covers for castz and bootz and I also sew slingz! ( the z is a trade mark and her last name has a few in it too).Its
fun and comfortable and the drive to her house in the country is great! Her house is on a hill and its just so relaxing to drive there. I have to say its the perfect job for me and I know it was an answer to prayer! I even told her that. Well thats my new news and I am very grateful for all that I have for it isn't from me but from Heavenly Father, who is so aware of all!!!
Here is the website of what I do at www.castcoverz.com