TC and Cora

So we are here in California with no family around. We were so lucky to have Oriana and Travis come for Christmas and then this weekend we have TC and Cora here because her brother Danny is getting married on Saturday in the Oakland temple. Today was really the only day we could do anything with them cause they really are here for the wedding! Well Cora lived in Southern California a long time ago and she really wanted to take the kids to the beach so off we went. It was a warm day in Hollister so we were hoping it would be warm at the beach and we were not disappointed!! It WAS Great!!!! The sand was warm and everyone had a great time. I was told to post pictures so here we are!!! They all had a fun time and we are so glad we went!!!

Thirty two years Ago today!!

Thirty two years ago the cutest, chubbiest baby was born into our family. He was already half grown at 10lbs and he had the prettiest smooth skin. Adam came to our family. He was the best little baby and a good brother to his family. He was a gentle soul and was kind to his friends at school too. So what happened to that cute little boy? What happened to my Adam. The one who would always smile and tell you" things will be ok Mom". He went on his mission and things were good and then he started to change. What does a mother do to help? He is now an alcoholic and there is little I can do. I watch him try and try to over come it, but he continues to hide and drink himself into the pain that he has to return from. So as I drive away from the hospital emergency room where I left him for them to deal with his symptoms of with drawl, I find my self in a flood of emotion. Sad I can't seem to help him, angry that he has done this yet again, helpless because its never ending, mad at myself for the feelings I feel!!! I don't know why he has this in his life. I know that he doesn't want to drink most of the time, but when he does its like clock works, he disappears to his room for about 3 days and no one sees him, then he emerges stressed because he is coming down from the alcohol and he can't handle it. Sometimes we go to the hospital and they just babysit him while he comes down, other times he is able to walk a lot, take warm baths a lot and just try to overcome what he has done to himself yet again. I have become harden to it. Its like ground hog day over and over again. I can repeat the words that he will say to me. How sorry he is and how he hates what he does to himself, how he can't continue, yet before long the whole thing starts all over again. I know the routine, its an ugly dance and I hate being apart of it, but I have no choice, he is my son and I love him. There are times when I am so angry that he has done it again. There are times when I am cold towards him, mostly to protect my inner self from falling apart and dissolving myself. I can't help me, he is the only one that can do that. I am just a spectator watching him. So sad that today he didn't even know it was his birthday til I told him. So sad that he is in the hospital coming off yet another binge of drinking and another failed attempt at staying sober. I hope this next year, Adam is a better year for you and that you can find your peace in your life so that alcohol will no long be your escape!!!!!!! Happy Birthday!