Not Again!!!!!

I knew at some point this topic would enter my blog just cause it has become a part of my life, not that I want it or that I really even accept it but that it is forced into my life. Having an alcoholic son is  NOT FUN! I know there are plenty that go through this and I have so much to learn and to understand but it is SO HARD! I don't know how to deal with it and I flounder around trying to get my bearings to deal with the " episodes". They are getting pretty routine now. I can tell when they are going to happen and  I do all that I can to make sure that they don't and they do anyway! How frustrating is that? I miss the son that this one has taken the place of! I still love him but there are times when I get really angry and there isn't much love in my heart. Then I feel shame and sadness that I have NO control of the situation and that ALL the talking I could possibly do will not change this situation at all. It has to come from within him and that is something only he can do. I think I have a long way to go before the thought of being a celestial parent even comes into view. I know that this will pass just like all the other times and I pray this will be the last but know it won't and I cry a million tears and then the peace will come when this passes and the waiting will begin for the next one. It's hard to see what it does to him and how out of control he is and how in control the alcohol is and how it will be until he decides he has had enough. The stress that it causes our family will pass and we will survive but will he or will the alcohol win and get him forever. It's not my choice for him because he has so much ahead of him and has so much to offer but for now its not what I want its what he has given into. Makes me angry, sad and helpless and all I can really do is pray that he will make it through another one. This is not fun and I have so much more to learn.